He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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