this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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