either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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