Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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