I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I want is dick and wine.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
