$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize