Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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