I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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