I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
