I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
