I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
