my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
