My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
