it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
