Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
