I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
