I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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