your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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