I'm gonna have a badass scar
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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