Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
