I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
