We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
