You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm at about main and main street
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You ruined the universe
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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