I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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