i already hear my dad disowning me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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