$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
