cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
