Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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