Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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