the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
