i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
