she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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