My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
