No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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