At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Im part way to drunk.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
