I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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