i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
