How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
