This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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