Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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