The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
