Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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