If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
