Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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