I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
