Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
