He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
