Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
