Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
