either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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