i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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