just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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