I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
it hurts more in the daytime
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
