Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
