I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
