If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
