i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
