By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
