i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize