dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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