It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
