My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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