For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
