That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
