I looked at my own cervix.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize