I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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