I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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