I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
