im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
im holly from the hills drunk
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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