I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
