Your dad touched me again.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
