I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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