my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
