Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
