3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
