Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
