No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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